Three Cheers For Fanservice
by Melody-chan
Summary: Here is Part Six, after a looooong wait. Sorry. Anybody like Spam? Enjoy. Three Cheers for Fanservice: The Quest of a Fanboy for Hentai, punctuated by OOC Senshi and large bouts of insanity..
1. What Kind of a name is Novacek?

Three Cheers for Fanservice – a

Three Cheers for Fanservice – a.k.a. 3C4FS

Part One: What kind of a name is Novacek?

"I'm sleepy," yawned Rei

"Well, go to bed." Makoto told her.

"SNL is on!" Re I pointed at the TV.

"Well then _don't_." Makoto said.

"I think I'll go to bed." Rei announced.

"That was _pointless_." Makoto sighed.

* * * * *

Rei yawned and flung back her bed covers. She looked in surprise at an ugly and scary-looking man already sleeping in her bed.

"Hi, I'm Jay Novacek, all-star member of three former Dallas Cowboy teams." The man in her bed said sleepily. "Get your hair cut at Sportclips™." 

"What are you doing in my bed?" Rei demanded.

"Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to be an evil nemesis and fight you." Jay Novacek said, scratching his head. "But I fell asleep."

"Then we need a scene change." Rei said.

* * * * *

The requested scene change was put into effect, and Jay Novacek was now facing off with Sailor Moon and her entire entourage. Yes, that's right – all the scouts, the Starlights, Tuxedo Mask, and the three cats.

"I'm Jay Novacek, all-star member of three former Dallas Cowboy teams, and I will beat you." Jay Novacek said rather stupidly.

"I don't think so!" Sailor Moon cried as she struck various poses, all of which were physically impossible for a human being to perform. "I am Sailor Moon, and I fight for the moon! So, in the name of the moon, I will turn you into moondust!" In response, Jay Novacek brought out a football and threw it at Sailor Moon. It hit her on the head and she fell on the ground, legs sticking up in the air. Numerous sweatdrops appeared. With another inhuman feat of agility, Sailor Moon managed to pop back up to her feet with no effort at all, he body becoming nothing more than a smear of color for a few seconds.

"Oh no you don't! I am Sailor Venus, and I was a Dallas cheerleader, mainly because I am a blonde with no personality! I saw you on the field and you sucked!" Sailor Venus proclaimed and pointed an accusatory finger at Jay Novacek. 

Nobody did anything for a couple of seconds.

"Aren't you supposed to do an attack?" Asked Jay Novacek. Venus sweatdropped.

"Heh, heh. Yeah. Love Me Chain!" Venus cried. A chain of beautiful pink hearts wrapped themselves around Jay Novacek.

"Hahaha!" Jay Novacek laughed. "I was not a member of three former Dallas Cowboy teams because of my intelligence! My immense strength will break your puny chain!" And because the author has realized there are numerous characters just milling around in the background just doing nothing that need to be included, he broke through the chain.

"Minna, attack!" cried Sailor Mars. "Burning Mandala!" 

"Sparkling Wide Pressure!" yelled Jupiter.

"Shine Aqua Illusion!" shouted Mercury

"Silence Glaive Surprise!" cried Saturn

"World Shaking!" roared Uranus.

"Deep Submerge!" yelled Neptune.

"Dead Scream." Whispered Pluto.

Tuxedo Mask plucked a rose from his buttonhole and smelled it.

"Pink Sugar Heart Attack!" Chibi-Usa cried in a horrifyingly cute voice.

"Chibi Mandala Chibi Pressure Chibi Illusion Chibi Surprise Chibi Shaking Chibi Submerge Chibi Scream Chibi Heart Attack!" squeaked the small flamingo child.

As a result, a peculiar thing was hurled at Jay Novacek. It was a spherical object that was burning, yet made of water, with electricity, more water, thunderous shaking, green stuff, and a whole lot of sugar. A LOT of sugar. In fact, that was mainly what killed Jay Novacek. He pretty much drowned in all that hideously pink sugar.

"We didn't get to do anything." Complained Sailor Star Maker.

"We just watched." Sailor Star Healer said.

"I wonder if you could eat that sugar." Sailor Star Fighter mused.

* * * * *

"How am I supposed to work with her climbing all over me?" demanded Ami. Chibi-Chibi was crawling all over her like a small, bright red squirrel with an immense head.

"I say we kill it and eat it." Rei remarked. Chibi-Chibi looked over Ami's shoulder at her and snarled. "Whoah. I think it needs a rabies shot." Rei said, backing away.

"That doesn't _matter_, Rei-chan." Makoto said, waving her hands around and speaking patronizingly. "We have to find out who sent Jay Novacek to destroy us."

"Chibi destroy us!" Chibi-Chibi chirped.

"Shut up!" Rei yelled at it.

"Chibi shut up!" twittered Chibi-Chibi, and scampered off of Ami to climb up the wall and perch on the ceiling fan.

"I found out who sent Jay Novacek!" cried Ami excitedly.

"Really?" Minako asked as she entered Hikawa jinja. (Didn't I say they were at Rei's temple? Oh. Well, they are.)

"No, not really." Ami said. "That would make this fic shorter, and we can't have that, now can we?"

"Chibi can we!" Chibi-Chibi squeaked.

* * * * *

"Accio dictionary." Harry Potter said. A dictionary flew into his hand.

"We has Divination next," grumbled Ron Weasley.

"Oh, boy. Let's skip." suggested Harry.

"Great idea." said Ron.

* * * * *

"Have you found out who sent Jay Novacek after us?" Usagi asked Ami.

"No, Usako, you asked me that just a second ago." Ami replied.

"Chibi second ago!"

* * * * *

Now we will find out who the guy is. No, it wasn't Harry Potter. But that is an interesting idea, isn't it?

"Time for dinner, pumpkin!" a voice called down the stairs. In the basement was a scrawny pale fanboy names Norbert.

"Not now, ma!" Norbert yelled back. He looked at a small notebook in front of him. "Jay Novacek failed?" Norbert said in horror. "I'll have to send my back-up weapon." He walked to a wall with a single bookcase and pulled one book out from the shelf. The wall rotated, giving Norbert access to his secret laboratory.

"Norbert! Dinner!"

"I'm not hungry, ma!" Norbert yelled, entering the laboratory, and he began to plot his next attack against the Senshi.

* * * * *

Author's Note: Why is Harry Potter in here? Who the hell is Norbert? Why is he attacking the Senshi? And why did he send a retired football player? If you know, please tell me, because it's all so very confusing.

Next Time, on 3C4FS:

Usagi: My shirt is short enough.

Harry Potter: I can't find my way back to Hogwarts!

Norbert: Emmit Smith will destroy you with PowerAde!

Chibi-Chibi: Chibi PowerAde!

Can you make sense of it? All this and more in Part 2 of 3 Cheers 4 Fanservice!


	2. Can you survive? No, you can't. Haha!

Three Cheers for Fanservice

Three Cheers for Fanservice

Part Two: Can you survive? No, you can't. Haha!

"Have you figured it out _yet_, Ami-chan?" Usagi whined.

"NO! STOP ASKING ME THAT!" Ami yelled.

* * * * *

"You must attack the Senshi and give them this note." Norbert commanded Emmett Smith. He handed the football player a letter. "Do you understand?"

"Yes. Drink PowerAde." responded Emmett Smith.

"Norbert! This is the last time!" his mother screeched.

* * * * *

"For some reason, we are all together in the middle of an empty street, henshined." remarked Setsuna.

"Can anyone predict where this is going?" Michiru asked.

"I can predict where you and I are going afterwards," Haruka said, inspecting her nails.

"Ohh, Haru-sama, I don't know if I can wait." Michiru replied.

"There's an oddly convenient room booked in my name over there." Haruka said, pointing at a tacky motel.

"Too far. That empty Dumpster looks good." Michiru decided and dragged Haruka away.

"There seems to be a blatant lack of foreplay with that couple." Artemis commented.

"You're one to talk!" exclaimed Luna in a huff.

"The evil guy is going to appear soon. Maybe we should henshin?" Artemis said, ignoring Luna. Somehow the Senshi were back in de-henshined clothes.

"Moon Magic Moondust Power!" yelled Usagi, using some crazy dubbed henshin phrase that nobody has ever heard before, because I just made it up.

"Mars Magic Fire Power!" Rei yelled.

"Jupiter Electricity Magic Power!" Makoto cried.

"Mercury Magic Water Power!" Ami shouted.

"Venus Magical Love Power!" Minako screamed.

"Saturn Magical Killing Power!" Hotaru yelled.

"Pluto Magic Time Power!" Setsuna shouted.

"Mmmph… Neptune…" Haruka mumbled.

"Your-anus… Hrrmmphh…" Michiru muttered.

"Tuxedo Second Looks Formal Wear Power!" proclaimed Mamoru.

"Chibi-Moon Magical Pinkness Kawaii Overdose Power!" Chibi-Usa cried in a horribly cute voice.

"Starlight, Starbright! Star Maker, Make Me a Magical Match Power!" Yelled Sailor Star Maker, I don't know their names.

"Starlight, Starshine! Star Breaker - I mean, Star Healer, Magical Healing Power!" yelled Star Healer.

"Starlight, Starsuck! Star Fighter, Magical Fighting Power!" yelled Star Fighter.

Nobody came.

It seems Norbert's mother made him eat dinner after all.

"Well, this is useless." remarked Makoto.

"Can you tell me how to get back to Hogwarts?" a boy with black hair, green eyes, and glasses asked.

"What is Harry Potter doing in this fanfic?" Ami wondered.

"He looks like my senpai!" exclaimed Makoto.

"What does 'senpai' mean?" Harry Potter wondered. Suddenly, a red-haired boy appeared beside Harry.

"Are these Muggles?" asked Ron Weasly.

"I am not a mugger!" exclaimed Usagi. Numerous sweatdrops appeared on Harry and Ron's heads.

"Did the author just say sweatdrops appeared on our heads?" Ron asked.

"What is a sweatdrop?" Harry wondered.

Emmett Smith appeared in the street.

"It's about _time_." Hotaru said.

"Are we going to fight?" asked Sailor Star Healer. "Because I have a manicure appointment."

"The only way to defeat me is to drink PowerAde." rumbled Emmett Smith.

"What the hell is PowerAde?" Ron Weasly said.

"I must deliver this letter." Emmett Smith said, and handed a badly written not to Setsuna. She peered at it.

"It looks vaguely Egyptian," she said, squinting her eyes. "But it has a slight Arabian accent on the S's…" she trailed off.

"Okay, can somebody just tell us to how to get back to Hogwarts?" Harry asked.

"Not now," Makoto told him. "We have to fight Emmett Smith."

"Fight him? Why would you want to fight him?" Ron asked, confused.

"Because we're Sailor Suited Super Heroines!" Usagi cried.

"Did somebody say heroin?" Hotaru asked, interested.

"Drink PowerAde!" bellowed Emmett Smith.

"Chibi PowerAde!" Chibi-Chibi chirped

"Minna, attack!" cried Chibi-Usa. Nobody listened to her.

"Shut up!" Rei screamed, and leaped at Chibi-Chibi, intent on killing it.

"Chibi shit!" it shrieked and ran away, Rei following close behind.

The Starlights left.

Harry and Ron left as quickly as possible.

Emmett Smith did likewise.

Usagi spotted an ice cream shop and ran toward it, yelling, "Ice Cream Sundae!"

Haruka and Michiru emerged from the Dumpster, looking quite satisfied with themselves.

Ami, Makoto, Setsuna, Minako, and Hotaru all decided to go shopping.

"You must work as a team!" Luna yelled in a shrill voice.

"What a dysfunctional group," Artemis muttered.

Diana looked cute.

Tuxedo Mask smelled his roses.

The author got extremely pissed off and fast-forwarded to the next scene.

* * * * *

Emmett Smith entered Norbert's secret laboratory.

"Did you complete your mission?" Norbert asked.

"PowerAde." Emmett Smith said sadly.

"I'll take that as a no. Now leave my presence! I must attack the Senshi again." Norbert cried.

* * * * *

An old librarian suddenly dropped dead in the middle of a lecture to the class using the Internet lab. Several students cheered.

* * * * *

"Can you _please_ tell us how to get back to Hogwarts?" Ron pleaded with the Senshi at Hikawa jinja.

"NO!" screamed Makoto.

"I'll go back in time and make it so you never came here." Setsuna said.

"That sounds good." Ami said.

Nobody said anything for a while.

"It appears the author has writer's block." Mamoru remarked.

*INDEED I DO. AND I KNOW JUST HOW TO FIX IT!* cried the author. *ONE OF YOU WILL DIE! MWAHAHAHA!*

Everyone in the temple shivered.

"Who could it be?" they whispered to each other.

*SCENE CHANGE!* bellowed the author.

* * * * *

*This is a tale of eleven courageous people, placed on a remote temple on an Island off the coast of Japan called Hikawa jinja, left to survive with nothing but their wits and an annoying show host. Each day will bring new challenges and hardships for surviving. Can they survive? This is… SURVIVAL!*

Corny fake jungle music began to play.

Let's check in one Day One:

"Eeeeewww! There's sand in my booooots!" Usagi wailed.

"Oh, shut up, you crybaby." Haruka said, looking mean.

"Oh, be quiet, Haruka-sama. We can amuse ourselves in other ways." Michiru said. Haruka immediately looked interested.

"It seems that a couple has originated under the immense pressure of survival!" Jeff Probst said in his annoying know-it-all host voice and laughed knowingly.

"I say we kill him and eat him." Hotaru remarked. Probst suddenly looked nervous.

"I agree." Rei added.

"Heh, heh." Jeff Probst began to sweat. "The contestants have developed an unusual sense of humor to cope with the hardships of survival…"

"Kill the annoying show host!" Ami shrieked.

"He doesn't look like my old senpai! Kill him!" Makoto added.

"We'll roast him alive!" Setsuna chimed in cheerfully, while taking a swig of beer.

"Gyaaahhh! I must survive!" Jeff Probst ran for his life as the Senshi made a mad dash toward him.

"Kill him!" Minako screamed from the pack of wild Senshi chasing Probst.

*Wasn't someone supposed to die?* interjected the author.

"Yes, we're killing Jeff Probst." Mamoru explained.

*I mean a Senshi.* the author said exasperatedly.

Suddenly, Chibi-Usa tripped on a rock and fell on the ground, splitting her head open.

*Much better!* said the author.

"Nooooo!" screamed thousands of possessed Chibi-Usa fanatics.

*Bwahahahaha!* laughed the author.

The pink flamingo on the ground twitched convulsively, and the author laughed some more.

Mamoru slammed directly into a brick wall that hadn't been there a second ago and died.

"Nooooo!" screamed Usagi.

*Nooooo!* screamed the author. *Wait - yeah, Nooooo! Mamo-chan was cute!*

Mamo-chan suddenly became alive again.

*Yaaay!*

"Yaaay!"

*I feel this is a fitting end to part two.*

~*~end part two~*~

So, what the hell is going on? Beats me! It's got no plot! That was bad grammar. Enjoy the next ep! Here are some magical hints!

Major Applewhite is an even stupider name than Novacek.

Line dances suck!

Simeultaneousicity isn't a work, or so my computer says.


	3. The Quest for Hentai, or at least someth...

Three Cheers for Fanservice

Three Cheers for Fanservice

Part Three: The Quest for Hentai, or at least something revealing.

"Did you give the Senshi my note?" Norbert asked eagerly as Emmett Smith entered the laboratory.

"PowerAde. PowerAde, PowerAde." grunted Emmett.

"She couldn't understand it?" Norbert cried in dismay. "What's not to understand?" He whirled around and began to pace around the room. "What else would a smelly, scrawny, pale fanboy want? MORE FANSERVICE!" He got on a computer and began to type.

Senshi:

I must offer you this compromise. If you don't want to be killed my football playing henchmen, you must shorten your skirts, lower the neck blouses when de-henshined, and remove tops to your outfits all together! Plus, more yuri scenes between Haruka and Michiru.

Norbert, a smelly, scrawny, pale fanboy.

Norbert printed it out and waved it around in the air frantically. "Take this to them!" he cried, pointing at another football player who stood silent in the shadows.

"I am Major Applewhite." the man who looked like an ape said.

"What a dumb name!" Norbert laughed.

"Yes." agreed Applewhite in a monotonous tone.

"That's creepy," Norbert said. "Don't do that." Then he handed his letter to the ape-man and said, "Take this to the Senshi."

"Yes," said Major Applewhite again. He didn't have enough space left in his brain to formulate anything remotely resembling a sentence. He turned around and began to walk away.

CRASH!!!

A Major Applewhite-shaped door was made in Norbert's wall.

"Arggh!" yelled Norbert. "Football players have no brains!" he stomped furiously to his chair and picked up a copy of MILK!, flipping through it.

* * * * *

A huge crashing sound filled Hikawa jinja.

"What was _that_?" Rei yelled. "If anybody trashes this temple, I'll kill them!"

A menacing, ape-like figure appeared in the newly made doorway.

"Big Foot!" cried Usagi.

"The Abominable Snowman!" shrieked Minako.

"My old boyfriend!" exclaimed Makoto.

"Major Applewhite?" asked Ami.

"Hey! How did you know who it was?" Rei said.

"Who else could have such an ape-like figure?" Ami replied.

"Letter." grunted Major Applewhite. He held out a crumpled letter in his huge ham-like hands.

"Eew." Usagi noted as she picked up the letter, snatching her hands away as quickly as she could. She unfolded it with care, pinching it between her fingernails with her nose scrunched up in disgust. "It says," she read, "We must shorten our skirts, lower our de-henshined blouse necks, and remove our tops from the uniform. And, we have to show more yuri between Haruka and Michiru."

"What?" Haruka yelped. "That's an invasion of our privacy! We'll never ag-OW!" Michiru stomping on her foot promptly cut her off.

"We agree." Michiru replied pleasantly.

"But what about our skirts? And shirts?" Ami asked, her voice trembling. "I don't wanna be a whore!" she began to cry loudly.

"We already ARE." Makoto told her bluntly. "You just try and deny it by acting all modest, wearing boots in costume and non-revealing clothes when we're de-henshined." she peered closely at Ami. "But I can tell you're a closet whore."

"Yeah!" Rei exclaimed. "We're all like that!" Suddenly, Ami leapt to her feet. Major Applewhite abruptly disappeared.

"Line dance!" she shrieked, and she, Usagi, Rei, Minako, Makoto, and the rest of the New York Rockettes grabbed each other around the shoulder and did some high kicks.

"Doot, doot, doo, doo doot, doot, doot, doo, doo doot." Music began to play loudly.

"And kick and two and three and four!" cried and eerily fruity voice. "I'm Peter Simmons, Richard Simmons' half-brother!" Peter Simmons giggled. "And kick and two and three and four-"

"And die!" shrieked Rei and slammed a large wooden bat onto his head. The bat got angry and flew away to its cave on beautiful puce wings.

"Cheep cheep! Cheep cheep!" moaned Peter Simmons. "My head! Cheep cheep!"

*This scene is whacked. Clean-up crew!" bellowed the author. Everyone was swept off the scene by a bunch of chibi Youmas dressed in coveralls with paint splatters. They fetched little paint buckets and paint brushes and began to paint Hikawa jinja. Soon they had painted Rei, Minako, Usagi, Ami, Makoto, Artemis, Luna, Diana, Mamoru, Chibi-Usa, Chibi-Chibi, Setsuna, Michiru, Haruka, Hotaru, the three Starlights, Mistress 9, Pharaoh 90, and Black Lady. With a large whooshing noise the scene suddenly came to life.

"Yay! We're back!" cried Michiru, who quickly grabbed Haruka and left.

"Jeez! Sex-crazed maniacs!" muttered Artemis. Luna smacked him on the head. "I'm glad my Minako isn't like that." Minako smiled innocently and all present sweatdropped.

"Well, I have… stuff to do." Hotaru said, fidgeting. "Bye!" she quickly dashed out of the temple.

"I'm hungry." announced Usagi. At the same time, Ami said, "I need to read!" and Rei said, "I sense an evil presence!" and Makoto said, "I have to find my old boyfriend!" and Minako said, "I need a hunk!" and Chibi-Usa said, "I'm so kawaii!" and Chibi-Chibi said, "Chibi, chibi!" and Mamoru said "I want some bananas!" and the three Starlights said, "Bondage! Yeah!" and Mistress 9 said, "Ooh! Pretty swirly colors!" and Pharaoh 90 said, "Mwahahahaha!" and Black Lady said, "My daddy is sooooooo hot!"

*Whoah! Overload!* yelled the author. *Can we get back to the plot, please? Wait, that doesn't work, we don't have a plot…*

Ami whipped out her computer and began to type.

"Here is what we know," she began. "Norbert, a scrawny, smelly, pale fanboy, sent us a letter. She held up a plastic bag labeled, 'Evidence'. "He wants us to shorten our skirts, lower our de-henshined blouse-necks, remove tops from the outfits all together, and show more yuri between Haruka and Michiru.

"I think we all know the answer!" cried Minako. She began to rip her blouse off. "Yes! Show him more fanservice!"

"No!" cried Ami, throwing a blanket over Minako's almost revealed chest. Hundreds of fanboys sighed in disappointment. "We are not hentai anime girls in a copy of MILK! or Anime Strip Poker! Have some decency!"

"All right." Minako pouted. "But-"

"No!" asserted Ami. "Not ever!"

"Damn!" Rei swore. "And I was looking forward to it all."

"Yeah, I know." agreed the rest of the Senshi in unison. Pharaoh 90 was looking delighted at the prospect of live fanservice.

"Me too," agreed Mamoru, staring at Setsuna and drooling. Usagi kicked him in the crotch and he fell over.

"Too bad!" Ami shrieked, her face turning purple and crossveins appearing in her forehead. "You'll just have to check this book out later!" She stomped off angrily, muttering obscenities.

~*~end part three~*~

That was crazy, wasn't it? Here are some more clues for Part Four – that is, if I remember to use them. .;;

"I'm going to put you in an ironclad lockbox!"

"Warshington Fuzzy Math!"

Plus, the author finds herself killing businessmen. Yay!


	4. The death of a salesman... okay, so it's...

Three Cheers for Fanservice

Three Cheers for Fanservice

Part Four: The Death of a Salesmen… okay, so it's a businessman…

Asuka Langley-Soryu was pissed off.

"Damn that Shinji!" she swore profusely. "I'll kill him and his stupid hentai friends!"

"Hai!" agreed Rei. This is wildly OOC for her. "That Kensuke is totally perverted!"

As long as we're along the lines of OOC, let's throw in some other characters!

"I love you all!" cried Heero Yuy, who then started crying.

"You fucking idiot, I'll kill you!" screamed Quatre Raberba Winner in a rather bloodthirsty voice.

"Women should fight! They are not weak!" proclaimed Wufei.

Duo said… nothing.

"Gyaaaahhhh!" shrieked thousands of Gundam Wing fans world wide, then ran for their lives. The author promptly followed suit. Trowa Barton glared at the author and cried, "You madwoman! What have you done?" Gundam Wing crumbled and died. The world blew up. It's all dead now.

* * * * *

*All right,* said the author. *What should I write about? I have a loss of inspiration.*

"Perhaps we should bring Norbert and his football players back in," suggested a clean-cut advisor person, lifting a pencil into the air thoughtfully.

The author and her advisors were gathered around a large gleaming wooden table, on the top floor of a large business building labeled, 'Anime Works Inc.'

"That would be repetitive," pointed out another advisor.

"But it's the plot." Argued the first advisor.

*This fanfic _has_ no plot!* exclaimed a short sixteen-year-old girl with long brown hair and greenish eyes.

"Who the hell are you?" asked the second advisor blankly.

*I'm the _author_,* the author yelled, becoming extremely pissed off. *You're going to have to die now.* She pressed a red button on a panel in the table in front of her, and the second advisor's chair tilted back and dumped him into a pit of flames. His screams continued for a few moments, and the author smiled satisfactorily as they abated. *Now then,* she said pleasantly. *Where were we?*

"This is copying Austin Powers," warned a skinless black cat that jumped up on the table.

*Mr. Wigglesworth!* exclaimed the author absently. *How dare you accuse me of such things!* She picked up the black cat and left the meeting room.

As soon as she had left the room, the eight remaining advisors began to talk amongst themselves.

"The author is only sixteen years old?" asked one. "How can that be?"

*Easy, you moron!* boomed the author, who had magically appeared back in her chair. *You forgot that I'm omnipotent in my stories. Now begone!*

The advisor abruptly disappeared.

*Now, does anybody else have any suggestions?* the author asked pleasantly once more.

One advisor cleared his throat. "Um, perhaps we should look at the clue we placed in Part Three," he said nervously.

*Why, that's a brilliant idea!* the author exclaimed brightly. The advisors relaxed now that she was in a good mood again. *Let's see,* she peered closely at a piece of paper that had materialized in front of her. *Uh-huh… uh-huh…Okay!* she said in the manner of fake movie telephone conversations. She straightened and snapped her fingers. *Scene change!*

* * * * *

Al Gore appeared on a small outdoor stage in the middle of Wisconsin, doing a rather stiff and uncoordinated hokey-pokey.

"You put some Gore votes in, you take some Bush votes out, you put some Gore votes in, and you punch Buchanan out," he sang in a monotonous voice that could hardly be called singing. "You do the hokey-pokey and you turn the count around, that's what it's all about!" He clumsily turned around and waved his hands in the air.

Peter Simmons, attracted by the bad dancing and even worse singing, got up on the stage and started ballroom dancing with Al. Al looked positively delighted, and gave Peter a big, wet, sloppy kiss.

"Ewwwwww," said the audience, as well as many politicians.

"Gross," noted Usagi. "What the hell is he doing?"

"I don't wanna see that," Makoto said in a singsong voice.

Al Gore suddenly realized who he had kissed.

*Oh, no, I'm going to be sued off my ass for this one,* muttered the author. *It doesn't even make any sense… Scene change!*

* * * * *

A young boy about seventeen years old with black hair and blue eyes walked onto the suddenly empty stage. Clearing his throat a bit awkwardly, he pushed the bridge of his gold glasses up his nose.

"Uh, I'd just like to say that Sailor Moon sucks, and DBZ kicks ass." He announced.

"I don't think so!" cried Rei and leapt up from her chair. The Senshi – dehenshined, mind you – were still in the audience. Being the most fiery of the Senshi, she was very outspoken. My God, that pun sucked.

"What? Vegeta could kick your ass!" DBZ-Boy thundered.

"Ha!" retorted Rei. "He's just a dumb-as-a-rock muscle fattie! All brawn and no brain."

DBZ-Boy turned a rather alarming shade of red.

"What's more," Rei continued, "He could never stand up to my fiery soul!"

The author cringed, as that pun sucked even more than the first one.

"Vegeta could whip you in Superinsert some sort of power-up henshin thingey for DBZ here Mode without breaking a sweat!" DBZ-Boy shrieked in rage.

Rei pointed a finger up in the air and leveled it at DBZ-Boy.

The other Senshi in their seats gasped.

DBZ-Boy ha no idea what in hell Rei was doing.

"But Rei, you have to be henshined!" protested Hotaru, while taking a swig of Setsuna's Vodka.

"Oh, that's right, Hotaru-chan." Exclaimed Rei. "Mars Star Power!"

Dancing scene ensued… you know the drill... fire stuff, flashes of fanservice, and Rei was transformed into… Sailor Mars! Woo! Norbert screeched happily and many fanboys were happy again.

Then she leveled her finger at DBZ-Boy once more, who was still as confused as ever. The Senshi gave a collective gasp again.

"I dare you to tell me that Vegeta could kick my ass!" Thundered Sailor Mars.

"Vegeta could kick your ass!" DBZ-Boy said.

"Fire… SOUL!" shrieked Sailor Mars on an impossibly high pitch.

"Gyaah!" yelled DBZ-Boy as he leapt out of the way of Sailor Mars' beam of intense fire.

"Hehehe," cackled Sailor Mars evilly.

"Noo! Don't hurt me!" whimpered DBZ-Boy. Sailor Mars suddenly looked thoughtful. "Pleeaase?" he begged.

"Say, 'Bihoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is the best, and Dragon BallZ sucks!" Sailor Mars demanded.

"Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is the best, and DBZ sucks!" DBZ-Boy said, almost crying.

"Again!" demanded Sailor Mars. This elicited yet another collective gasp from the Senshi.

"Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is the best, and Dragon BallZ sucks!" DBZ-Boy said, bursting into tears as Shoujo Power wore away his pitiful shounen exterior.

"Ahahahahahaha!" roared Sailor Mars in classical maniacal laughter, sound like the evil dubbed Queen Beryl. Oh, yes. Fearsome. "Bwahahahahaha!! Bwahahahahaha!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

* * * * *

"Hey. Wake up."

*BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!*

"Shit, dude! You scared the crap out of me! Wake up!" Hatchet-baka said.

*Eh?* the author asked.

"Dude, you fell asleep. Then you yelled, 'Fire Soul!' and started laughing like some crazy dubbed Queen Beryl." Hentai-chan said, frowning at the disoriented author. Said author noticed the advisors staring at her fearfully from their places around the table. She scowled at them.

*Baaaah, get out of my sight, vermin!* she howled at the frightened advisors, who turned tail and fled for their lives. *What a pity, too.* she said sadly. *I was having the best dream.* 

"What about?" asked Hatchet-baka, who has a real name, but I'm not going to use it, because the author has a crush on him, and he's a dumb crackhead.

*I was laughing because Hatchet-baka said BSSM rocked,* explained the author, *He said it 'cause I shot Fire Soul at him.*

"Huh? What? Who?" asked Hatchet-baka, thoroughly confused.

"Cool." Said Hentai-chan.

*BAKA YARO!* screeched the author and flung a machete at Hatchet-baka.

* * * * *

That probably made no sense. You probably don't care. In fact, you're probably not even reading this, since you got bored a long time ago and don't care anymore. And if you are, well, the next part's even worse. Fear me. Oh yes. Bwahahaha!!

Happy Hints:

Vladimir Putin joins us for some fun.

Somebody gets possessed by that dead librarian I knocked off a couple of chapters ago, or something.

Public Libraries are evil, haunted places.

Auhtor's Note: Daitryk – I hope the title makes a little bit more sense eventually… 3C4FS is supposed to be about Norbert and trying to get more fanservice, but it… deviates a bit, doesn't it? Thanks! ^-^''


	5. Jesus, I never gave this chap a name. Oh...

Part Five: Is it really Part Five

Part Five: Is it really Part Five? Or am I just deceeeeeeiving you?

"Do you know how incredibly _bored_ I am?" Rei moped around. "Why can't we fight another villain or something?"

"Hey you got to beat DBZ-Boy into submission. At least you _did_ something. We're just sitting around doing nothing." Ami told her angrily. "In fact, that book needs a new cover! It'll be another two months before you can check this out!"

The other Senshi stared at her in confusion and sweatdropped profusely.

"Oh, so this is for a report." Ami sneered. "Well, that's just too bad. I suppose you'll have to fail!"

"Uh, Ami-chan?" Minako asked nervously. "You okay?"

"Hmm? I didn't say anything." Ami replied blankly.

"You did too. You were squawking like a librarian over some book." Makoto said. Ami froze.

"Seriously?" she demanded. "Oh, shit, the ghost of a librarian is possessing me!" Ami abruptly disappeared in a puff of smoke and flying spider monkeys with type writers that smelled like mildew.

* * * * *

"Bwahahaha!" roared Norbert in satisfaction. "My plan is working!" he had abandoned using football players to attack the Senshi and resorted to using a wandering librarian ghost to possess one of them.

Ami appeared in front of him waving a large Japanese flag and a sign that said, 'Doo wa mini grana bee wop."

"Ah, Librarian-chan! Welcome to my lair." Norbert gestured grandly at his basement.

Possessed-Ami looked at him suspiciously.

"I am the Lone Librarian," she announced. "I shall defeat all with my twisted, arthritis-deformed hands and my can of Insta-Mildew." The Lone Librarian held up a hairspray can in her creepy mutated hands.

Norbert nodded sagely. "I thought as much. Her is your henchman, ex-Russian President Vladimir Putin," A small, gnarly old man stepped out of the shadows.

"Ty chto mumu yebyosh." He greeted her.

"He's a fake Russian. He only knows one line of Russian." Norbert stage-whispered to Ami/Librarian-chan.

Librarian-chan nodded suspiciously.

"Ty chto mumu yebyosh!" sputtered the Russian ex-president.

Lib-chan nodded suspiciously.

"Well, go out and terrorize small children, or whatever it is old people do these days! Then destroy the Senshi." Norbert said, frowning.

Lib-chan nodded suspiciously and disappeared in a puff of smoke and flying lobsters with tire irons that smelled like white lilies and dog shit.

* * * * * 

"Somebody stole Ami!" Usagi wailed. "Waahhhhh!"

"Shut up!" yelled Rei. "Stupid crybaby!"

"Please! Girls!" Luna cried in a shrill voice, breaking nearby glass windows. "Calm down!"

Hikawa jinja was in a state of disarray. All the Senshi had gathered at Rei's temple to discuss the odd disappearance of Ami.

"She's like, gone!" exclaimed Hotaru, clapping her hands delightedly and smoking marijuana. Setsuna stood beside her and downed six cans of Budweiser in less than three seconds.

"Chibi gone!" said Chibi-Chibi.

"Quite!" boomed a nasally voice. "Norbert, the hentai fanboy, scrawny and pale beyond any other fanboy, has come to deliver you a ransom note!"

"Eh?" asked Mamoru blankly. "Ransom?"

"Yes!" bellowed Norbert. "Ransom!"

"Ransom?" gasped Usagi.

"Yes!" bellowed Norbert. "Ransom!"

"What?" Minako cried. "Ransom?"

"Yes!" bellowed Norbert. "Ransom!"

"Ransom?" shrieked Rei.

"Yes!" bellowed Norbert. "Ransom!"

The Senshi gave a collective gasp.

"Ransom?" they asked in unison.

"Yes!" bellowed Norbert, louder and more nasally than before. "Ransom!"

"Hey, that's like one of those words where if you say it enough, it starts to lose all meaning." Hotaru said, stoned. "Ransom," she hiccuped, "Ransom, ransome, ransom, ransom, ransom, raansom, ran some, raaaansoome, ramsum, ransun, ramsun, runsam, runsun, ramsam, hiccup, rancup, rinsup, ratcub, hiccup."

"What-EVER," said Makoto. "You look nothing like my old Senpai."

Norbert grinned an evil, secretive grin and left, leaving behind a ratcub – ransub – ratsom – runsat – dammit, a note that was written on pink rose stationary.

* * * * *

"Well, we're here." Minako announced as the Senshi entered the horrible and evil Public Library.

"I think it's haunted," Setsuna said, swigging from a champagne bottle. Hotaru nodded beside her and popped Ex-lax into her mouth.

"Mwahahaha!" Came an evil cackling noise from the shadows. "Welcome to my torture chamber!" Lib-chan emerged from the shadows and tapped her fingers together like Mr. Burns. "Excellent."

Hotaru started to look queasy and concluded that eating the Ex-lax wasn't a very good idea.

"Uh, I gotta go," she mumbled, and left really quickly.

"We're trapped!" shrieked Minako, even though the Library doors were open behind them.

"Yes," cackled Lib-chan. "Trapped." She produced her can of Insta-Mildew from her pocket and wielded it at the Senshi. The Senshi gave a collective gasp and took one step backwards.

"Noooooo!" screeched Usagi as Lib-chan covered her in mildew. The mildew incased her entire body and restricted all movement, but Usagi wiggled around futilely anyway. "Mamo-chan, help me!"

"Tuxedo Rose Stab!" shouted Mamo-chan, who is now Tuxedo Mask, and flung a rose at Lib-chan. Lib-chan dodged it easily and sprayed Mamo-chan with mildew too.

"Now for the rest of you!" cackled Lib-chan, turning to the rest of the suddenly henshined Senshi.

"Sparkling Wide Pressure!" yelled Makoto, and sent electricity crackling towards Lib-chan. But it didn't affect her!

"You idiots!" cackled Lib-chan. "I'm a possessed Senshi! That makes me resistant to electricity!"

"How?" asked Rei.

"Because!" cackled Lib-chan. The Senshi gave another collective gasp.

"Nobody can refute _that_ answer!" cackled Lib-chan, who has been doing a lot of cackling today.

"Deep Submerge!" yelled Michiru, directing her attack at the nearest library book.

"Acccckkkk!" shrieked Lib-chan as the book crumbled and fell apart. "My energy is draining! I won't let you!" With an inhuman feat of speed she managed to tie the rest of the Senshi up in mildew and cart them along to her private lair, the Children's Corner.

"Noooooo!" wailed Usagi as she wriggled on the floor with the rest of the Senshi. "We're trapped in the Children's Corner of the Public Library by a possessed Ami-chan!"

"Are we _really_?" Setsuna asked her sarcastically, somehow managing to have a large bong beside her and smoking. "I hadn't noticed."

~*~Fin~*~

Author's Note:

Alora: Look for my email, I have an idea for G:06 I think you'll like. Well, how could you have ever guessed who Hatchet-baka is? And you are evil to even bring up Hope at all. Talk Later!

PallaPalla: Peas are evil, aren't they? I started shrieking with laughter when I wrote this myself. I hope Part Five was just as enjoyable. If any of this starts to make sense, hit me, OK? ^-^"


	6. Part Sux – I mean Six

3C4FS

3C4FS

Part Sux – I mean Six

~

To the infinite horror of the senshi, they were trapped in the Children's Corner of the Basil Anthony Moreau Buda Public Library. Usagi was wailing hysterically, Setsuna was smoking weed, Rei was meditating, Ami was possessed by an evil librarian's ghost, Hotaru wasn't there, and Haruka and Michiru had managed to get themselves wrapped up in the same blob of mildew and were thoroughly enjoying themselves.

"Ewwwwww, gross!" shrieked Makoto. Suddenly, a large cracking noise was heard and Frieza dropped through the ceiling.

"Woohoo!" yelled DBZ-Boy enthusiastically, waving a large sign emblazoned with 'Support Duo Maxwell' and shoveling popcorn into his mouth.

"You damn fool!" Rei yelled madly as she was jerked unceremoniously from her meditation. "Untie us!" DBZ-Boy looked on in amusement.

"Stupid weakling monkeys!" bellowed Frieza angrily. "I'll kill you and your damn circus, too!" Lib-chan whirled around and eyed him suspiciously.

"I'd like to see you try," she noted sarcastically. "Mwahahahaha!" Frieza turned an interesting shade of pink and threw a large ball of ki energy at her.

"Dumb saiyin! I'll kill all of you, you stupid circus monkeys!" He roared impressively, and Makoto eyed him speculatively.

"You look like sempai," she said demurely, and Frieza paused in his outrage to give her a strange look.

"Argggghhh!" yelled Super Saiyin Goku and dropped through a second hole in the ceiling.

"Argggghhh!" yelled Super Saiyin Vegeta and dropped through a third hole in the ceiling.

"Damn stupid circus monkeys!" bellowed Frieza. "I'll rip you and you're damn gravity-defying hair to pieces!"

"Out!" shrieked Lib-chan. "You stupid kids, ripping holes in my precious library ceiling and crushing books beneath your useless, hairy feet! Get out!"

Vegeta, Goku, and Frieza took one look at the ugly old librarian that Ami had mutated into and ran for their lives, shrieking like little girls. Lib-chan cackled madly and returned to the Senshi.

Only to find that they had all managed to escape their bonds of mildew and were standing, henshined, in a circle around her. Except for Haruka and Michiru, that is, who had rolled into the bathroom and were still enjoying themselves immensely.

"Evil Spirits, disperse!" Rei intoned in a solemn manner, and Lib-chan began to shriek in pain.

"Oww!!! Nooo!!! NOOOOOO!!!" She screamed, clawing at her face as she withered to the floor and collapsed.

"We've defeated Lib-chan!" Minako said happily, twirling a strand of her hair and popping bubble gum.

"Um, no you didn't." said Lib-chan, and the Senshi did a double take.

"But you're dead." Usagi pointed at the crumpled figure on the library floor.

"In all accounts, I should be, but I'm really not." Lib-chan shrugged. "Oh well!" She leveled her can of Insta-Mildew at the Senshi and prepared to aim…

~*~COMMERCIAL BREAK!~*~

Ranma: Have YOU been to the Cat Café lately?

Akane: What's the Cat Café?

Ranma: Why, it's the best place to get ramen this side of Nerima!

Akane: Is it really that good?

Shampoo: Yes yes, ramen very good Cat Café! Husband say come to Cat Café!

Ranma: I'm not your husband!

Shampoo: Husband not know what he saying. See you at Cat Café!

~*~END COMMERCIAL BREAK!~*~

"Prepare to die, Senshi, as I give you my obligatory Final Speech!" Lib-chan cackled, waving her Insta-Mildew can around threateningly.

"Nooooo!" wailed Usagi in despair.

"I'm going to tie all of you up in mildew again!" cackled Lib-chan. "And then I'm going to tie you to TRAIN TRACKS, a la old, black and white silent movies! Then I shall cackle madly and watch as you scream helplessly and are run over by TRAIN!"

A large van of people rolled by, singing, "Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey heeeey hey…"

Lib-chan blinked. "NO!" She screamed. "Contemporary music! AGGGHHH!!!" And she promptly died.

"Well, that was easy." Ami said as she stood up, leaving the crumpled ghost of Lib-chan lying dejectedly on the floor. "Anybody have any Spam?"

"I've got some." Minako offered, and the Senshi sat down to a nice meal of Spam.

~

A/N: A bit short, but ah well. Sorry I've been long to update it, writer's block can hit the best of us. *shrug* I don't see an end to this in the near future - this is NOT the end - so keep looking for updates! Until next time!

~Melody-chan. Ping!


	7. In which I explain to you many stupid th...

Three Cheers For Fanservice

Part Seven: In which I explain to you many stupid things.

~

Minako was about to be violently sick.

Scratch that, Minako *was* violently sick and will continue to be so.

"I'm gonna huuuuuuurl!" she bellowed and rushed for the bathroom, clutching her stomach. The rest of the Senshi listened attentively as there came a series of noises.

*thonk*

*thud*

"OWWW!"

*hurl*

"EWWW!"

Rei and Makoto leapt up and dashed to the bathroom, coming upon a very odd scene. Minako was crumpled against the far wall, beside Haruka and Michiru, who were still encased in Insta-Mildew and enjoying themselves immensely. The entire bathroom was also covered in fluorescent green radioactive waste.

"Don't tell me that came from her…" Usagi trailed off as she peeked over Makoto's shoulder.

Suddenly, a mound of sugar bubbled up, and out of that rose Chibi-Usa, glowing pink with red demon eyes. Beside her was Chibi-Chibi, floating in a sphere of red light.

"Mwahahaha!" cackled Chibi-Usa. The collective group of Senshi gave a collective gasp of horror.

Several moments passed.

"Why are we gasping in horror?" Ami asked.

"Um," said Chibi-Usa, looking thoughtful. "I can't remember."

"Well, I suppose that's what I get for brainwashing a child." Norbert said disgustedly, throwing in a towel and looking thoroughly perturbed. "Chibi-Usa, attack!"

"Okay." Chibi-Usa shrugged and pulled out a large pink Uzi. "Prepare to die!"

"Oh, where is my Mamo-chan?" wailed Usagi. She immediately burst into tears and fell over.

"Uh, he's right there." Setsuna said, after taking a long drag of her tobacco pipe. She pointed at Mamo-chan, who was standing off to the side and putting on a very dramatic show of being bored.

"Mamo-chan!" shrieked Usagi, causing several nearby windows to shatter. "She then proceeded to G. I. Joe crawl over to Mamoru in an amazingly fast display of military training and glomped onto his ankles.

"HELLO? I'M THE ONE WITH AN UZI HERE!" Chibi-Usa yelled indignantly. Usagi screeched loudly again and cut off the circulation to Mamoru's feet.

"Whoah!" yelled Mamoru as he collapsed on Usagi, breaking her arm.

"Oww!" shrieked Usagi. "You buffoon!"

"Die!" yelled Chibi-Usa, and triggered the Uzi. A volley of bright pink flechettes lodged themselves into the wall. It really doesn't matter that this isn't a flechette gun, does it?

"Whoaaaaaah, not good!" yelled Setsuna, trying to swat at the plying pink monkeys. "Watch out for the buffalo!"

In response to her cry, the entire group immediately flung themselves to the ground, just barely missing the herd of winged buffalo that pounded over head. 

"Whew. That was close!" Norbert breathed a sigh of relief. He turned to Chibi-Usa once again. "Attack!"

"Isn't she supposed to be dead?" Rei yelled as everyone made a mad dash for the door. The author paused.

*Oh, bah!* she yelled, and used her authorly powers to resurrect – or re-resurrect – Chibi-Usa.

"That wasn't very helpful, you know!" Ami informed the author as they continued to run away from Chibi-Usa and out of the library, leaving the place in ruins.

*Bah! I could care less!* the author cackled, and whacked Ami upside the head with a giant purple pen.

"But with that statement you infer that you DO care, at least a little bit." Ami said, stopping and donning a pair of glasses.

"How so?" asked Hotaru, suddenly appearing. Rei, Makoto, Minako, Setsuna, and Mamoru sat down in large plush chairs to watch the intellectual debate.

"By saying, 'I could care less', the author must at least care a little bit. You can't care less than nothing." Ami theorized.

"Not true, my dear Watson." Sherlock Holmes said, retrieving his tobacco pipe from Setsuna, who gave him a dirty look. "By saying she could care less, she is giving an insult by referring to the fact that you CAN care less than nothing. And now that I have my pipe back, I believe all is elementary and so forth. Grate not your cinnamon at me, my child." And with a gracious bow, he disappeared.

The fleeing from Chibi-Usa continued for a moment or so more until the author decided to call it quits.

*Bah, enough.* she muttered, because she's feeling particularly fond of the word 'bah' right now. *Bah, humbug!*

~

"Mischief," concluded Usagi.

"Huh?" asked Ami.

"Nothing." decided Minako.

"What?" called Makoto.

"Hm." Muttered Rei.

"Life!" announced Sei.

*Who's Sei?* asked the author.

"This isn't Gundam 06?" asked Sei in confusion.

"Sorry about that!" Alora-chan called, and took Sei away.

Hotaru opened her mouth to say something, but the author gave her an evil look.

*No rhymes,* she threatened.

"Bah," muttered Hotaru, and the Senshi dispersed.

~

The author was sleeping in her U.S. History class, and she really shouldn't have been.

~

The author was sleeping in her Chemistry class, and really shouldn't have been.

~

The author is going to fall asleep in her next Pre-Calculus class, and really shouldn't.

~

The author had a BIG MARCHING COMPETITION last night, where her school received straight ones. She is also completely wiped.

~

This chapter is going nowhere.

~

I bet you already knew that,

~

Anybody have any peanuts?

~

No, my belt wouldn't fit you.

~

Bah.

~

Does it seem like this chapter just suddenly changes tracks in the middle of something for no apparent reason?

~

That's probably because I'm writing it – along with the rest of the story – in a dirty yellow spiral that's ripped, torn, about to fall apart, and covered with random Japanese characters and multiple quotes of, "I love Ray."

~

This chapter is in several different pens. 

~

I write when I have free time in class.

~

When did this become my autobiography?

~

Perhaps we should return to the Senshi.

~

And stop using those damn curly things!

~

*Sigh.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
